We are together.

February 23, 2024Leave a comment

And that is what matters.

I hold your laugh in the palm of my hand. Like a tender thing. A fragile thing. And I think of what it is to love and be loved. To gather in the perimeter of the wrecking ball and eat cold wings.

But we are together you see. And though we make no show of our tenderness, it cleaves us. And I puff puff after you, and you crush the nuts for my sandwich and John asks us to sing.

And all the while your laughs rest in my palms. And I sit so still. Still as midnight. Careful not to drop one.

Because we are together.

Philadelphia

February 22, 2024Leave a comment

I have wanted to go to Philadelphia for as long as I can remember. It’s just one of those cities you hear a lot about as a kid because of its role in US history. You know, the Liberty Bell and all that. Also, cheesesteaks…we must never forget the cheesesteaks. Oh, and my friend Lamont is from there and he is one of the best people I know. I have a LOT of reasons to love Philly.

The thing about being on tour that I think a lot of people who travel for work will relate to, is that you get a chance to visit these places but don’t really have the time to explore like you would on a holiday trip. But what I love? you can have these really beautiful, highly concentrated experiences.

We pulled up to the venue a few hours before sound check so I hopped off the bus and asked the first person I saw if they knew of any good coffee shops nearby. Little did I know, I had asked thee PERFECT person. Enter Jo, a soft joyful face, punctuated by fiercely intelligent eyes and topped with the cheekiest lavender hair. My people. And she just so happened to be our runner for the day! Jo ABSOLUTELY knew about coffee and was so excited to share her city’s gems with me. The first place she mentioned was too far—I wanted to get my steps in. So I went with the second, a Japanese cheesecake & coffee house, A La Mousse. Clearly, she said “Japanese” and I was all over it 😅. IYKYK.

Stace and I walked over and it was so cute and the city is covered in beautiful art. Murals, tag, billboards—art everywhere. My little walking pics don’t do it justice at all, but it made a big enough impact that I find myself thinking about it this morning.

I didn’t get to see the Liberty Bell. Oh drat. But I got to meet Jo, and see a little bit of Chinatown and learn about the gentrification and displacement taking place in Philly (a common theme in all of the cities we’ve been to). Hearing Jo speak so passionately about the issues in her chosen home reminded me of a mother talking about their child’s struggles, acknowledging the problems but having such dogged faith that it will be okay. Such love. It moved me deeply.

So, Philly—I love you. Thank you for Jo, Mahon & Kyle at Union Transfer. Thank you for good sound and a GREAT runner who saved the day by gorilla gluing my thunder boots back together so I could perform. (Those musical theatre kids will save the day every time. My people.) Thank you for Dyana Williams and Jill Scott. Thank you for the music—Gamble and Huff, Zhane, Jazmine Sullivan and especially thank you for Phyllis Hyman 🕊️

And thank you for the beautiful energy in the room and all the beautiful fans, new and old, that came out to support. Oh what a moment in the woods. I’m ever grateful 🙇🏽‍♀️

tired

February 18, 2024Leave a comment

of this shame I carry.

of limiting my joy

of holding my consciousness prisoner from the present.

of aching in this way

What I seek is the purest form of me.

to embrace her and feel her honest fingertips in my hair

on my neck

to know what it is to be me.

to unspool the sin

the secrets

the shame

to live.

The Prana of mourning

September 1, 2016Leave a comment

The absence of you was so vast, so energetic…vibrating with unfinished sentences & unshed tears-stories waiting to be told. Prana.The prana of mourning.
And how we mourned. The wailing. The stoicism.

I ran so far into myself that I forgot where I began.

It shouldn’t have surpised me then, when you reappeared.

Not you, but.. A you.

Something formed in that vastness.

The pressure of our loving you,

The kinetic power of grief.

The movement in our collective stillness.

You came back to me.

Cottage cheese and canned pineapple…I’ll think of a story about ghosts…ducks swimming in a pond that appears and disappears with the rain…all the best things.

You came back to us.

A fly on the wall.

How did Jake find those old letters?

And mama’s got her humor back. She misses you every day.

We miss you everyday.
You used to say things to me. You used to say,

“I can’t see you darlin’, but the idea of you is just…beautiful”

These old eyes.

Cataracts and a magnifying glass.

Those eyes were perfect, and in my soul, they still are.

Now that you have come back, your sentences are different.

You don’t use words, but you show me things.

I’ve learned as much from you in your death as I did in your life.

I don’t know…maybe the space you left when you left, left room for your lessons to take root…I am ever so grateful.

Now I know, that you could see me the whole time

Eyes are irrelevant

See me better than anyone.

What a blessing.

It is pouring down rain, and all the trees are dancing.

I can hear your laugh.

I’ve been heartsick Grandma, but when I hear your laugh it reminds me of

A tavern in the town…mayonnaise cake.

Graham crackers with chocolate.

cottage cheese with canned pineapple

quilts and Peggy Lee.

All the best things.
And, if that is in fact “All There Is?” then it is, and will always be more and more than enough because

I’ll never stop seeing the marvel that is earth, finding the mythology in the mundane, blowing on dandelions,

or loving everything.

I’ll never stop learning from you

(or A you).

I’ll never stop appreciating all the best things because…well, You were and are all the best things

And I am ever so grateful.

40 Rules of Love

November 22, 2015November 22, 2015Leave a comment

So, last year I was planning a trip to Istanbul, and realized I knew nothing really about Istanbul except historical facts, names of famous landmarks, and Islam.

SO, I did what I do and googled “best books about Istanbul” (or something to that effect) and found The Bastard of Istanbul by the extraordinary Elif Shafak.

*NOTE*

This post is not about Elif Shakaf OR the Bastard of Istanbul, but now that I have mentioned it I want to talk about it ’cause ADD. You should read it.

*END NOTE*

To make a story that never needed to be this long about the same length as it already didn’t need to be, I will tell you that, after reading The Bastard Of Istanbul (which was so, so great) I immediately bought ALL of Shafak’s novels for my kindle, read them ALL, and here we get to the beginning of the point: The 40 Rules of Love: A Novel of Rumi. Another amazing story that you should definitely read, relevant to this post because it introduced me to Shams of Tabriz and his 40 Rules of Love.

Now, most of us, especially those of us active on social media, are familiar with Rumi. If not as a famous poet, Islamic scholar, and Sufi mystic, than at least as that enigmatic name whose quotes appear on countless pictures of women sunbathing. You know who I mean:

(I know what you’re thinking, that isn’t even an ocean, that is a pool. But I say to you, that your judgement is clearly being clouded by your jealousy of my hat, so….)

RUMI, I knew a bit about Rumi before reading Shakaf’s novel, but didn’t know anything about his friend, mentor, and muse, Shams of Tabriz, ALSO a famous sufi-mystic, as well as dervish & philosopher.

Besides his relationship with Rumi, Shams is probably best known (at least in western culture) for his 40 Rules of Love, which are..well, exactly what they sound like.

Tread carefully y’all, we are starting to get close to the point of all of this…

I finished the novel and began doing some research into Shams of Tabriz (and by research I mean wikipedia) . What I found were mainly personal posts re-telling the story of Shams of Tabriz and his relationship with Rumi, and while thats story is fascinating, beautiful, and pertinent, what I really wanted was a way inside Shams’ head, to know exactly how he felt, what he was experiencing and HOW AND WHY HE CREATED THIS MAGIC THAT MOVED ME SO?!

About that magic, aka, Shams of Tabriz’s 40 Rules of Love:

I would describe his 40 Rules of Love as a practical guide to understanding life, love and ones relationship with the divine.

When I started reading the Rules, something happened. You know those moments? When for absolutely no apparent reason you just feel pulled closer to yourself? That was how I felt. As though I was accessing a secret part of me that made me a part of that secret part of you, and that tree over there, and a rock, and the sky, and EVERYTHING/ONE.

Wholeness.

I felt the memory of wholeness.

I realized right away that what I needed to do to get the answers I wanted, was simply, to sit still and be about them (them being the rules).

Easy right?

Yes.

So of course I tried to make a big dramatic event out of it.

I tried to do a “40 rules for 40 Days” meditation challenge, but after day three I realized how ridiculous I was being. I could meditate on one rule for the rest of my life and still have new feelings, questions and understandings. I tried breaking them down into questions for me to answer in an essay format, and while this could have been useful, my jerk of an Ego made it impossible to move forward effectively. He would immediately jump in front and began to intellectualize/analyze/judge EVERY SINGLE THING I wrote down… We really know how to bully ourselves don’t we?

I thought about writing a book about my experiences with the rules…. Recording a meditation CD based around the rules…for over a year I thought about everything except JUST doing it.

So like all great/brilliant/helpful ideas I come up with daily, I let this one fade into the ether. Like a forgotten purple Barbie pump under the bed of life. But it is always there, just waiting for it’s Cinderella moment. Just waiting to be remembered.

Welp.

I finally remembered.

So for the past week or so, I have been incorporating the rules into my thoughts and meditations, and documenting the experience. Some brazenly profound changes have occurred, so I thought I’d dust off the old blog and share. I have no timeline, and am not sure what shape it will all take, but I am ready just to let go and let it happen. I don’t want to put any pressure on myself to “perform” (I do enough of that in every other part of my life), but I also know I have friends who are interested in this sort of thing, (Katie, Beck, Brittany, Sonia, Sarah, Mom? I’m looking at you) and I want to share. I’m excited about this.

Okay, I’m about to cross the bridge from loquacious-ville, to ramble-town, so I’d better just stop typing n

(see what I did there?)

(I stopped typing)

(obviously now I’ve started typing again, but we should all focus on how clever it was when I sto

*You can learn more about Shams HERE*

My 2nd Grade Teacher was a Genius.

November 3, 2014Leave a comment

She was my own personal Jackie O.

So much style.

So feminine.

So intelligent.

She had us recite poetry every day and this one has never left me. The lesson in the poem was so very relevant to me as a child and remains so to this day.

“Who Hath A Book”

by Wilbur D. Nesbit

Who have a book
Hath friends at hand,
And gold and gear
At his command;
And rich estates,
If he but look,
Are held by him
Who hath a book.

Who hath a book
Hath but to read
And he may be
A king, indeed.
His kingdom is
His inglenook-
All this is his
Who hath a book.

I love this poem.

and the word “inglenook”

and words in general.

Okay. Goodnight.

Because Halloween Happened.

November 2, 2014Leave a comment

And it was good…
(Full story coming soon…)

It is October 31, 2014 and I am blogging.

October 31, 2014October 31, 20142 Comments

Chris 9

So today is two years later.

Chris, you left on Halloween. You left after I told you about the kids trick or treating at the firehouse, how sweet it was to see them out in costume even amidst the flickering lights, broken trees and all the devastation Sandy brought.

I don’t remember the exact order of things, I wish I did. I remember everything, but I remember it all at once. I’ve always envied people who can fit their memories neatly into a timeline. For me they all just swirl about-all around they go. All the memories of you. The good, the better, the cancer.

I know you were scared because you told me.

I’m pretty sure you told me on the 30th and I said, “don’t be scared” and I held your hand,

“I’m right here.”

“Close your eyes and dance with me.”

You closed your eyes.

You smiled.

I closed my eyes too.

But when my eyes were open I was also afraid. Scared of so many things! Scared that your family, not knowing me at all, would ask me to leave the hospice. Scared that I wouldn’t be able to keep it together for you. Scared that I wasn’t enough, that I wasn’t who you wanted there-NEEDED there. I wished I could be Montre for you, I’ve never told anyone that. Chris4

Scared of what it all meant. What I meant to you, what you meant to me, and what you leaving would mean. What it would do. What it would do to me?

Only a very few people knew how bad things had gotten and I was not one of them. The way I found you in hospice was painful, traumatic even, and I didn’t want anyone else to have to go through that. I started reaching out to people I knew you were close to (social media was amazing for this). Some of them I knew well and some I had never spoken to at all.

I did it for you, but didn’t realize how much it would sustain me. You are so loved the world over, and the messages pouring in gave me so much courage and strength. Sharing peoples thoughts, messages and voicemails with you remains one of the happiest memories of my life so far. A reminder of what one person’s joy can do for another. You made peoples lives! You helped so many people(myself included) find their way back into their own skin. Hearing those stories restored something in me. Just as our friendship did. Chris Chris 1

Does.

I’m rambling.

I miss you.

You always loved my blog when we lived in Tokyo and always asked why I stopped maintaining it. The truth is I think I stopped because I was scared of something. Scared of too much attention or, God forbid, not enough attention?! Scared of success maybe, or failure? Scared of numbers? Of being misunderstood…Who would read, who would care? Scared that maybe someone wouldn’t like it? That I would be found out as a fraud (which doesn’t even make sense in any way, but actually crossed my mind).

For a person who others often perceive as fearless, I can be quite the scaredy-cat. Chris 3

Anyway, lately a lot of people I love (and by a lot I mean 4 people lol) have been asking about the old blog, or recommending that I start a blog, or encouraging me to Vlog (a thought which terrifies me which I guess means I’m going to have to do it at some point), and I want it, crave it, and then…don’t do it.

silly insecurity 🙂

The truth is I have been thinking about it as well, I have owned this domain, MyCastleIntheAir.com for over a year, and I have posted, let’s count it….

One.

One time before today. Lame.

Yesterday was hard. I was listless. I knew today was coming.

Today is easier than yesterday. Yesterday I was anticipating how I would feel today, which was way more dramatic than just letting myself FEEL how I feel today if that makes sense.

Rambling again. chris 7

I started to blog.

It is October 31, 2014 and I am blogging.

I miss you my friend, and me loving on you and rambling on and on about myself seems a perfectly fitting way to combat that. If I had a bottle of jack, a humidifier blowing, and your glorious laugh in my ear…

I don’t.

But I do have you.

I have you in my heart, in my soul, and In my story.

Maybe I don’t have you physically in this room, in this apartment in Hollywood.

But when I close my eyes I have you.

I have you holding me. Leading me in a waltz in the most glorious ballroom on heaven or earth. In my castle in the air.

I have us.

Chris 2

Thank you for being everything to everyone you touched, but selfishly Chris, thank you for being all of the things you are, were, and will become to me. My life and my being are infinitely better for knowing you, and for you so generously sharing a little bit of your heart with some silly broken-hearted girl in Tokyo.

Thank you.

Love you always and longer and more.

❤ Kasi

You can always find me there, in my castle in the air.

Chris 10